Here's to being FEARLESS!

So, I have homework to do, but I have been planning on writing this post for weeks and decided to just do it and stop putting it off like many things in my life right now.

My life the past three months has been one word: HECTIC. I have literally been going non-stop and every minute of the day there is something I need to do.

In late August, I returned to school to pursue a Master's degree in Education and this was definitely a major shift from working full time for the past four years. I hadn't read any material critically, written a paper, or sat in a lecture during this time so it definitely took some adjusting. I also began working part time instead of full time which I am sure you can imagine can take some budgetary adjustments as well. I was still living as if I was working full time for the first couple weeks, but was quickly reminded that I cannot do that. Oh yea, I also work part time as a referee once a week. At the same time, I was beginning to prepare for a Dominican cultural pageant, Madame Wob Dwiyet, that would take place in October. I was driving up to Jersey from Philly every weekend to practice for numerous hours, even when I didn't want to. I also had the bright idea of signing up for a personal trainer in August and was meeting with him twice a week. The toughest part of that was being disciplined once I left the gym because this girl LOVES food! All of this left zero time between Monday and Sunday for me to even really relax. I couldn't really focus on anything either because I was always thinking of the next thing I had to do.

The biggest highlight of the past few months was the Madame Wob Dwiyet USA 2013 pageant. This was a brand new experience for me and something I really never thought I would do. I wouldn't consider myself a performer and believed that I have extreme stage fright but I performed my talent and formal dress section without a hitch. After the results were announced, I was of course disappointed that I didn't win nor place 2nd or 3rd. In the weeks leading up to the pageant I was saying that I was fine not winning and was only doing it for the experience, but as soon as I left the stage I burst into uncontrollable tears. It was mostly because of all the time and hard work I knew I had put into the pageant. As my friends and family came backstage to congratulate me the tears intensified with each hug. This was definitely surprising especially since I am NOT a crier. The overwhelming support and love I felt from every one who supported me was so special. It felt wonderful to know so many people had my back and were proud of the job I had done. Though I didn't place, honestly one of the greatest things to come of the pageant was meeting five other awesome young Dominican women. This may be cheesy, but I really didn't have personal relationships with Dominicans who weren't my close relatives. Meeting and spending time with them preparing for the pageant even helped me become closer to the culture. One other really great result was getting Dominica's name out there and being able to share my culture with people who have never experienced it before, let alone heard of the country. I had people asking me about the pageant as I posted promo pictures and even googling "wob dwiyet" to find out more. Everyone I saw after asked me how the pageant went, wanted to see pictures, and wish they could've gone. Even this past weekend, at Penn homecoming, I had classmates I haven't seen in years ask me about it and congratulate me for participating. One person even said, "You seem to really be evolving." This extremely warmed my heart. People are becoming aware of our small in size, but large in culture, Dominica.

This past week (and actually once a week lately) I had a moment where I just felt like there was no way I could get everything done. I just really didnt know where I would find the hours to read articles and books, go to work and class, write a paper, and still sleep. By Thursday afternoon, I unbelievably was able to complete everything on time. This morning (after homecoming festivities all weekend) I forced myself to get out of bed go to Catalyst for Change church where the Penn gospel choir (shout out to NSP) was going to be singing during service. As their alumni chair and trying to build better connections between us and the current undergraduate members, I couldn't not go and show my support. I was supposed to be there this morning. The big message was about God's favor on us and how even when you think it cannot get done, it does. Situations magically work out...but it is not magic. We are blessed and highly favored.

One other lesson I've learned lately is about this little thing called fear. My professor was talking about the fear of writing she used to have (which I feel too) in class on Wednesday, when she said "Fear is a choice. You don't have to be destroyed by your fears!" The choir also sang the song, "Take it to the Lord in Prayer" and one line says "some things we have not, because we ask not".  These two statements spoke directly to me in relation to other aspects of my life right now. I have been too afraid to ask for what I want which has later caused me internal turmoil. I remember even having to work up the courage to ask my dad if I could watch tv when I was younger. I have been holding myself back from great things by being too afraid to be shot down. Hearing "no" will NOT harm me and I will not just get anything I do not ask for. Here's to being fearless!

Sunny days make life better!

So I am sitting here on my last night in Orlando and lots of thoughts are running through my head. My five days here have definitely been relaxing and fun as well as enlightening. This was such a great opportunity for me to get closer to my cousin. My family is so huge and we get to see each other frequently at various functions, but I rarely get that intimate one-on-one time to talk deeply about everything from careers, relationships, money, travel, to family, religion, and goals. I am truly appreciative for the continued guidance and wisdom I get from the amazing older family members that I have. Everyone needs some of my clan.

This year is truly turning out to be the one I said it would be on my 25th birthday. I am going to be making major decisions and moves in the next few months that will bring about positive change to my life. I am now officially a contestant in the Miss Caribbean US pageant. WhAt?!?! Me, in a pageant? I know. But, this is something I've never done before and I'm sure will be a great experience to add to my evolution. I am also using this pageant as further motivation to become more dedicated to my health and wellness (especially the swimsuit section!) Yesterday I woke up and felt the urge to go for a run. This got converted into a walk around the neighborhood and shooting some baskets at the park, but nonetheless I felt the urge which I usually don't. I am also going to start a 30 day green smoothie challenge April 1st through Simple Green Smoothies. Let's see how well this goes!

Today was an off day, but due to a major event, I have even more motivation to accomplish what I want and not let anything (including money) get in the way. No one can tell me I'm not good enough because I know I can go for whatever I want in life. I am also determined to enjoy every minute of the life that I have, especially after waking up to sunshine every day in Orlando! The people here are also so much nicer than us up northers! Maybe we would be nice too if we constantly got Vitamin D! So as I return to chilly Philadelphia (whoever created that always sunny show lied!) I will keep my time in Orlando in my mind as a constant pick-me-up until summertime when I can feel the warm sun on my face every day.

What happened to the overachiever?

I was the kid in elementary school who the teacher would put in charge of the class if he had to step out. I would write down the names of students who spoke on the chalkboard and give my official report when the teacher returned. I would correct teachers if the answer they wrote to the math problem on the board was wrong or if a word was misspelled. Then I moved to the suburbs, went to public school, and became "the smart black girl". In high school I was in all honors and AP classes and wouldn't have had it any other way. I had a 100% in math class every year, but did the extra credit assignments for fun to stay in the #1 spot. Blame my parents though, who when I brought home a 95 asked why I didn't get the extra 5 points. I did my homework during the class it was assigned or even during lunch. I wanted to be the smartest of the smart kids and had no shame in that. I tried to balance out all of this nerdiness by playing on the basketball team and being cool with the jocks. I decided to go to Penn because I felt I deserved it and what would I have to show for all of my hard work in high school (which actually wasn't so hard) if I didn't go to an Ivy League school. I HAD to go to Penn. I was an overachiever.

What happened to that person? I found myself in college being satisfied with just making it. I remember telling a friend of mine not to stress about her Math 104 grade because "C's get degrees." Now I am not saying I don't still believe that. I hated the fact that my intelligence and hard work was being summed up into this GPA figure (complete opposite of my high school self mind you), but now that I have been removed from school for 4 years I am starting to miss the person who wanted to be the best of the best. I feel like I have become satisfied with the flow of things and am not striving for excellence the way I did when I was 15.  I have plans for some major moves this year and need to get myself into the winner mindset. It won't be enough for me to just get by.

I am starting to see this when I am coaching my team. I told (more like yelled at) the girls today that they have to practice like champions. Yes, we are undefeated, but that could easily be taken away if we don't put in the work to stay at the top. Man, I have got to start applying what I say to these kids to my own life! Here's to the overachiever in us all!

Dancing in the Rain

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."

I had some really low points this past week. I had a few bad conversations last Friday and Saturday and tried to make myself feel better by going out, but that only made my mind race and the feelings of anger and sadness came back. I woke up Sunday feeling like I was okay, went to church, played basketball, and cleaned my apartment. I also decided to go shopping on my day off Monday to provide some retail therapy. Again, the feelings remained. I went to work Tuesday not feeling like myself. I was completely distracted by the thoughts in my own head and felt like I couldn't concentrate on any project I started to work on. The only thing that got me through that day was having practice with my girls after work. The one who had quit the team days before apologized to me after practice and I knew at that point that they get what I am trying to do for them. I went to the gym that night to workout, which was the first time actually using the machines and not just playing basketball in months. It felt good to run on the elliptical and ride the bike and push myself past the normal 10 minutes I usually do. A good playlist can really keep you going. I used to get bored on those machines within 5 minutes, but I've learned from other people running to cover the timer with my towel and before I know it I've been running for more than 20 minutes!

I then decided to use one of the leg machines to work out my knee when another low moment came. I couldn't raise 10lbs with my left leg. It was ridiculously easy for my right leg, but my left leg whose knee I had surgery on 6 years ago was trembling to lift the weight. It was at that point that this "bum knee" of mine was no longer a joke. I had visions of being 35 with a cane and almost cried. It is time I really did something about this and go to physical therapy (yet again) to strengthen these sleeping muscles. I have been trying to do some exercises on my own in the past few days, but am going to speak to my doctor this week.

You know when you're subconsciously hurting about something and those emotions come out in other situations? Yea so that happened Wednesday. I thought I was doing fine, but I started to feel symptoms of being sick (which I think is from going out in the rain). It was the worst day for that because I had an intramural basketball game and my team was scheduled to play the #2 team (we were #1) plus I had to work the rest of the night. After the 2nd half of the game I knew my immune system was taking over from the 3 airballs I shot and 4 layups I missed. Long story short, we lost the game and I was heated especially after one of the women on the other team purposely didn't shake my hand. How rude! You won, why be like that? So here I was mad about this game, mad that I was getting sick, mad about my past weekend's convos and that spilled over into my reactions with everyone I worked with that night. It wasn't pretty, but I did apologize and acknowledge that I wasn't being myself.

Thursday I decided I couldn't let certain issues filter into different parts of my life and tried to go to work with a new attitude. I received some really great news that I have been waiting for that morning, but still could not be truly excited about it. I also was feeling more sick and decided I needed to stay home Friday. I spent all of Friday in bed coughing, sneezing, wheezing, drinking orange juice, tea, and soup and woke up Saturday feeling much better. I had another not so pleasant conversation that night, but decided to move past it and remember that things work out the way they are supposed to.

So here we are back at Sunday. I always feel like Sundays are a reset button for a bad week. I went to church, a meeting for a pageant I am interested in, and the Philly boys basketball championship game. Today really felt like a new day and I am ready to take on this week with a whole new mindset. I acknowledge what happened and my feelings about it still exist, but I have to keep moving forward. So when I wake up tomorrow I willl NOT moan and groan and say why? I will appreciate that am awake and make the most of my day.

Update on my Lenten promises: I have not had a sip of alcohol, nor a bite of a chip or cookie. I have slacked off a little with my writing every day, but this extra long post makes up for this week.

Styles by Disa

I have been playing around with different styles since my locs have been growing. Check out a few!

flat twisted on the sides. braided up the middle. some twisting and pinning on top.

french braided on both sides, pinned by the right ear. loc bang in the front.

braidout: washed and retwisted, braided about 6 locs together and held with rubber bands at the ends. sat under head dryer for 30 mins. took out braids in the morning.

Sunday Best

This weeks' church outfit:

Light pink button up: courtesy mom

Olive green skirt: Unique Thirift Store, $3

Grey sweater tights: cant remember

Peach wedge loafers: Urban Outfitters, $15

Pearl earrings, necklace, and bracelets to accessorize.

Love is a two-way street

I've been turning down a lot of one-way streets the wrong way in the past few days. I'm not sure what that is a sign of but my mind is clearly distracted.

I've realized through dating that I don't like being forced to share. My food, space, time, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I will share, but I need to feel like I want to. It shouldn't be just due to circumstances. I guess it's really like I don't think anyone is entitled to me sharing with them. All this to say, I do realize when you enter any relationship with another person there are things you need to share to make it work. This definitely takes some time to get used to especially if you've been doing your own thing for a while.

With being in a relationship you must never lose your true self. Now I've seen it happen to friends who didn't seem to get it, but I guess it is harder to see when it is yourself. If you're a sarcastic person, continue to be that way but just not to the extreme. If you like to be out and about, continue to do so. If you follow all the rules, breaking one for your partner will go against your morals. If you like to partake in certain activities and your partner is against it, then you won't be able to be comfortably you which will case further problems. Ultimately your partner will notice you aren't you and these will not be happy times.

I also haven't been to church in a month and have felt spiritually disconnected. I was neglecting my faith due to a number of thoughts in my head. Hopefully after today's mass (yes I am Catholic) I can gain some clarity and stop driving down one-way streets the wrong way.