What happened to the overachiever?

I was the kid in elementary school who the teacher would put in charge of the class if he had to step out. I would write down the names of students who spoke on the chalkboard and give my official report when the teacher returned. I would correct teachers if the answer they wrote to the math problem on the board was wrong or if a word was misspelled. Then I moved to the suburbs, went to public school, and became "the smart black girl". In high school I was in all honors and AP classes and wouldn't have had it any other way. I had a 100% in math class every year, but did the extra credit assignments for fun to stay in the #1 spot. Blame my parents though, who when I brought home a 95 asked why I didn't get the extra 5 points. I did my homework during the class it was assigned or even during lunch. I wanted to be the smartest of the smart kids and had no shame in that. I tried to balance out all of this nerdiness by playing on the basketball team and being cool with the jocks. I decided to go to Penn because I felt I deserved it and what would I have to show for all of my hard work in high school (which actually wasn't so hard) if I didn't go to an Ivy League school. I HAD to go to Penn. I was an overachiever.

What happened to that person? I found myself in college being satisfied with just making it. I remember telling a friend of mine not to stress about her Math 104 grade because "C's get degrees." Now I am not saying I don't still believe that. I hated the fact that my intelligence and hard work was being summed up into this GPA figure (complete opposite of my high school self mind you), but now that I have been removed from school for 4 years I am starting to miss the person who wanted to be the best of the best. I feel like I have become satisfied with the flow of things and am not striving for excellence the way I did when I was 15.  I have plans for some major moves this year and need to get myself into the winner mindset. It won't be enough for me to just get by.

I am starting to see this when I am coaching my team. I told (more like yelled at) the girls today that they have to practice like champions. Yes, we are undefeated, but that could easily be taken away if we don't put in the work to stay at the top. Man, I have got to start applying what I say to these kids to my own life! Here's to the overachiever in us all!

Dancing in the Rain

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."

I had some really low points this past week. I had a few bad conversations last Friday and Saturday and tried to make myself feel better by going out, but that only made my mind race and the feelings of anger and sadness came back. I woke up Sunday feeling like I was okay, went to church, played basketball, and cleaned my apartment. I also decided to go shopping on my day off Monday to provide some retail therapy. Again, the feelings remained. I went to work Tuesday not feeling like myself. I was completely distracted by the thoughts in my own head and felt like I couldn't concentrate on any project I started to work on. The only thing that got me through that day was having practice with my girls after work. The one who had quit the team days before apologized to me after practice and I knew at that point that they get what I am trying to do for them. I went to the gym that night to workout, which was the first time actually using the machines and not just playing basketball in months. It felt good to run on the elliptical and ride the bike and push myself past the normal 10 minutes I usually do. A good playlist can really keep you going. I used to get bored on those machines within 5 minutes, but I've learned from other people running to cover the timer with my towel and before I know it I've been running for more than 20 minutes!

I then decided to use one of the leg machines to work out my knee when another low moment came. I couldn't raise 10lbs with my left leg. It was ridiculously easy for my right leg, but my left leg whose knee I had surgery on 6 years ago was trembling to lift the weight. It was at that point that this "bum knee" of mine was no longer a joke. I had visions of being 35 with a cane and almost cried. It is time I really did something about this and go to physical therapy (yet again) to strengthen these sleeping muscles. I have been trying to do some exercises on my own in the past few days, but am going to speak to my doctor this week.

You know when you're subconsciously hurting about something and those emotions come out in other situations? Yea so that happened Wednesday. I thought I was doing fine, but I started to feel symptoms of being sick (which I think is from going out in the rain). It was the worst day for that because I had an intramural basketball game and my team was scheduled to play the #2 team (we were #1) plus I had to work the rest of the night. After the 2nd half of the game I knew my immune system was taking over from the 3 airballs I shot and 4 layups I missed. Long story short, we lost the game and I was heated especially after one of the women on the other team purposely didn't shake my hand. How rude! You won, why be like that? So here I was mad about this game, mad that I was getting sick, mad about my past weekend's convos and that spilled over into my reactions with everyone I worked with that night. It wasn't pretty, but I did apologize and acknowledge that I wasn't being myself.

Thursday I decided I couldn't let certain issues filter into different parts of my life and tried to go to work with a new attitude. I received some really great news that I have been waiting for that morning, but still could not be truly excited about it. I also was feeling more sick and decided I needed to stay home Friday. I spent all of Friday in bed coughing, sneezing, wheezing, drinking orange juice, tea, and soup and woke up Saturday feeling much better. I had another not so pleasant conversation that night, but decided to move past it and remember that things work out the way they are supposed to.

So here we are back at Sunday. I always feel like Sundays are a reset button for a bad week. I went to church, a meeting for a pageant I am interested in, and the Philly boys basketball championship game. Today really felt like a new day and I am ready to take on this week with a whole new mindset. I acknowledge what happened and my feelings about it still exist, but I have to keep moving forward. So when I wake up tomorrow I willl NOT moan and groan and say why? I will appreciate that am awake and make the most of my day.

Update on my Lenten promises: I have not had a sip of alcohol, nor a bite of a chip or cookie. I have slacked off a little with my writing every day, but this extra long post makes up for this week.

Styles by Disa

I have been playing around with different styles since my locs have been growing. Check out a few!

flat twisted on the sides. braided up the middle. some twisting and pinning on top.

french braided on both sides, pinned by the right ear. loc bang in the front.

braidout: washed and retwisted, braided about 6 locs together and held with rubber bands at the ends. sat under head dryer for 30 mins. took out braids in the morning.

Sunday Best

This weeks' church outfit:

Light pink button up: courtesy mom

Olive green skirt: Unique Thirift Store, $3

Grey sweater tights: cant remember

Peach wedge loafers: Urban Outfitters, $15

Pearl earrings, necklace, and bracelets to accessorize.

Love is a two-way street

I've been turning down a lot of one-way streets the wrong way in the past few days. I'm not sure what that is a sign of but my mind is clearly distracted.

I've realized through dating that I don't like being forced to share. My food, space, time, etc. Now don't get me wrong, I will share, but I need to feel like I want to. It shouldn't be just due to circumstances. I guess it's really like I don't think anyone is entitled to me sharing with them. All this to say, I do realize when you enter any relationship with another person there are things you need to share to make it work. This definitely takes some time to get used to especially if you've been doing your own thing for a while.

With being in a relationship you must never lose your true self. Now I've seen it happen to friends who didn't seem to get it, but I guess it is harder to see when it is yourself. If you're a sarcastic person, continue to be that way but just not to the extreme. If you like to be out and about, continue to do so. If you follow all the rules, breaking one for your partner will go against your morals. If you like to partake in certain activities and your partner is against it, then you won't be able to be comfortably you which will case further problems. Ultimately your partner will notice you aren't you and these will not be happy times.

I also haven't been to church in a month and have felt spiritually disconnected. I was neglecting my faith due to a number of thoughts in my head. Hopefully after today's mass (yes I am Catholic) I can gain some clarity and stop driving down one-way streets the wrong way.

Go with your GUT!

So lately I have been learning that it is best to go with your gut feeling when it comes to making decisions. I mean the feeling wouldn't be there if there wasn't a valid reason right? Our bodies tell us how we feel even before our mind realizes it, so why not listen? Whatever it is, do it. Got something to say? Speak up! It only ends up happening the way it should have anyway. Like that night I really wanted pizza for dinner. I fought the urge and made some soup that ended up tasting TERRIBLE! I then went out and bought a slice that made me feel wonderful, but wasted 2 hours trying to decide. I should have literally gone with my gut! From now on I am NOT going to ignore that feeling!

Day ONE

Well Day one went well. I resisted the brownies and cookies that were right next to my desk at work and drank some water and ate an orange instead. It was NOT easy. I tried to justify at one point and say "well...brownies aren't a snack that comes in a bag like chips." LOL. I am going grocery shopping this weekend to stock up on fruits, veggies, and healthy snacks so that if I do get the urge to eat, I'll have a good healthy option.

My middle school team won our game yesterday, 20-14, to make our record 8-0. The most frustrating thing about coaching is that no matter what you teach or tell the players to do, you cannot go out there on the court and do it for them. I definitely see progress in most of them though since the beginning of our season (November) and know that my time and energy has not been wasted. **pats myself on the back**

It was also Valentine's Day today and though I was not sure how the day would go, let's just say I was happily surprised by the end. :-)

Sacrifices and Commitments

So today marked the beginning of Lent; the period of fasting, meditation, and prayer before Easter. Every year Lent seems to sneak up on me and I have to rush and think of what I will choose to give up during that time. Sometimes I pick things that aren't really much of a sacrifice or I end up slipping up and breaking my promise. This year I am committed to making a change and actually sticking to what I decide.

I decided to give up alcohol and snacks (chips, cookies, wafers, etc.). Having a desk job it is easy to munch on multiple bags of snacks every day. Sometimes I am not even hungry, but decide I need a snack along with doing my work. Giving up these things will also hopefully help me to lose a few pounds (yes I think I need to get more fit).

Along with giving these things up, I have decided to commit to some actions as well. I will write a blog post every day during Lent. I have been frustrated with different parts of my life lately and forgot that I have outlets to let it all out (I haven't posted here in almost 2 months). Thoughts have been consuming my mind and I need to free up some space for positivity and innovation. So you can look forward to my frustrated rants, outfits of the day, hairstyles or just random things that happen in my life (I really think it is a movie!).

The second action I will commit to is based on this Under Armor ad I remember seeing a few months ago:

I will commit to being active every day. I pretty much do this now between running practice with my basketball team, refereeing at night, and playing on an intramural team at Penn, but I want to step it up and continue this even on Fridays when all I can think of is what party/gathering I am going to for the night. I will also be recording what activity I choose to do during my daily posts.

This is not going to be easy, but I am committed to making it happen so that I can improve my spiritual, mental, and physical health. So you can follow me along my journey here and give me some words of encouragement if you wish. :-)